The president contends this request is just not preposterous, petty or in any manner morally outrageous. I all of a sudden agree, which is why I’ve now determined that underneath this new Trump Doctrine, you owe me cash. Herein is an itemized record. I’ll settle for direct deposit.
1. Underpants bought within the final 30 years, my time of employment. With one or two exceptions that we needn’t go into, I state and aver that I’ve worn underpants throughout each second that I reported and wrote for you, and that these had been necessary to my private consolation, and thus, my productiveness. Complete price to you: $45. (Fortunately for you, I don’t purchase many, and preserve them till they principally disintegrate. The waistbands presently have the final elastic integrity of a boiled ramen noodle.)
2. Thirty years of beer, used completely not for my leisure however to determine my status as a tricky, critical journalist who typically falls asleep in his personal drool. Complete price to you: $35,400.
3. Circus peanuts, these orange atrocities that look and style like Styrofoam packing peanuts soaked in corn syrup. They’re nice. I purchased plenty of them through the years, which I contend was largely for the manic sugar rush that informs my writing fashion. Complete price to you: $400.
4. Thirty years of unreimbursed dental payments owing largely to Merchandise 3. Complete price to you: $70,006.13. (That is an estimate. I added the $6.13 to make it appear extra correct. I do the identical factor with my tax returns.)
5. My authorized protection when the IRS comes after me for what I wrote in Merchandise 4, evidently, whereas a Put up worker. Complete price to you: $24,006.13.
6. My $60 invoice at a therapeutic massage parlor, which I as soon as went to for a column, demanding and receiving a neck therapeutic massage, and solely a neck therapeutic massage, from a really puzzled younger lady in a slitted, sequined cocktail gown. Sure, you already paid me for that go to out of petty money, however the column was excellent and it has turn into an necessary a part of my “model,” so I’ve determined you must pay me for it seven extra instances. Complete price to you: $420.
7. Lodging and eating throughout a number of out-of-town journeys that had been heretofore alleged to be “holidays.” I hereby assert and aver that in every journey, I assumed deeply about work. Prior to now I may need thought of this declare shameful, however disgrace, as an idea, is lifeless. Complete price to you: $11,506.13.
8. The price of defending me in a number of lawsuits associated to previous allegations of sexual assault. (Nah, there have been no lawsuits, but when there have been, even I wouldn’t have that sort of gall.)
Electronic mail Gene Weingarten at firstname.lastname@example.org. Discover chats and updates at washingtonpost.com/journal.
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